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Feb. 27th, 2005 | 09:15 pm
mood: blahblah
music: the oscars

Stillborn
by Sylvia Plath

These poems do not live: it's a sad diagnosis.
They grew their toes and fingers well enough,
Their little foreheads bulged with concentration.
If they missed out on walking about like people
It wasn't for any lack of mother-love.

O I cannot explain what happened to them!
They are proper in shape and number and every part.
They sit so nicely in the pickling fluid!
They smile and smile and smile at me.
And still the lungs won't fill and the heart won't start.


They are not pigs, they are not even fish,
Though they have a piggy and a fishy air -
It would be better if they were alive, and that's what they were.
But they are dead, and their mother near dead with distraction,
And they stupidly stare and do not speak of her.

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ah...

Jan. 27th, 2005 | 11:53 pm
mood: discontentdiscontent
music: ani - sunday morning

ani difrano's new cd has been in my cd player for 3 days, nonstop, and i can't stop listening to it. i will actually go to put another cd, but not quite make it. i also find myself reading the lyrics. how does she find the words that echo how so many people feel? i wish i could communicate my feelings, experiences, emotions, etc as she does. (hell, i wish i could communicate anything at this point. i'm beginning to think i have permanent writer's block.) anyway, i think this might be in my top 5 ani song's of all time:

recoil

come home and my guitar
has nothin to say to me
i recoil from all my friends
and then i'm in misery
been so long since i've been held
really since i was his
probably just need to be held
that's probably all it is

course, then i think of my dad
who time travels mostly now
back to when he was free
and holding out hope somehow
who sits all day in a line
of wheelchairs against a wall
inventing ways to play out time
like us all
like us all

to all the people out there tonight
who are comforting themselves
if you should happen to see my light
you can stop and ring my bell
i'm just sittin here in this sty
strewn with half written songs
taking one breath at a time
nothin much going on
nothin much going on

little flashing zero
on my answering machine
rats scratching at my brain
brain shuffling its feet
yes i have my father's heart
it may or may not keep on trying
can't really tell you what it is
keeps me this side of that dark line

but i'm not there to take care of him
and i'm not here to take care of me
i'm going outside to watch the house burn down
across the street
i'm going outside to watch the house burn down
across the street

to all the people out there tonight
who are comforting themselves
if you should happen to see my light
you can stop and ring my bell
i'm just sitting here in this sty
strewn with half written songs
taking one breath at a time
nothin much going on
nothin much going on

ok, leaving you with ani lyrics isn't the worse thing i could do.

have a stupendous night.

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so hi...

Jan. 20th, 2005 | 08:34 pm
mood: restlessrestless
music: Joan Baez - Joe Hill

i'm still of this earth. somewhat, at least.

it is time to make the obligatory "i hate this time of year" post. so, i hate this time of year. the weather (even though it was beautiful outside today), the short days, the feeling that just sort of hangs in the air, surrounding everyone. what i hate most is the way that the feeling crashes down on top of me, making my chest hurt. it used to surprise me, but now, while i still don't expect it, at least i don't spend days wondering what is wrong with me. seasonal depression. its a bitch.

now, on to better and more exciting things. bonnaroo. yes. bonnaroo. the dates have been announced, the initial band line-up has been posted and i feel the slight stirrings of the mania i felt last year. the difference is that last year, i only had three months to live with the excitement. this time i have a little less than six months. i don't know if i can make it. a six month countdown just might drive me a little bit insane (more so than i already am). but, it is bonnaroo. i'll make it. i'll just have to find some live shows to tide me over till the bit event. no worries.

i had a post i wanted to make about injustice. political, social, emotional, etc, but i don't really see it happening. it might turn into a never-ending diatribe and i refuse to foist that upon anyone. i guess i'll just leave it to this: if people would show more concern, interest and overall attention to the world they would understand that, in the long run, their actions (or, inactions) affect them adversely, whether they want to realize it or not.

oh well. people are people. the general population doesn’t care about anything that isn’t in front of them at that moment.

more to say, but not now.

good night, good friends.

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ho hum...

Oct. 27th, 2004 | 11:21 pm
mood: nauseatednauseated
music: ack. music? now? ow. no.

migraine haze...every thing is slightly fuzzy around the edges and cool seems freezing and hot is hell...any amount of light acts like ice picks in my eyes...neck muscles let me know that, yes, yes they do exist...my brain swells and shrinks with the beating of my heart and breathing hurts...breathing shouldn't hurt. that just seems wrong.

i've been wanting to update this thing all day long. eh. a real update with paragraphs and cohesive thoughts. i don't think that's going to happen today. i really don't.

later. i vaguely promise.

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(no subject)

Sep. 26th, 2004 | 09:58 pm
mood: anxiousanxious
music: ani difranco - school night

sheesh. i hate this time of year. i'll hate it more when it gets colder and the skies stay grey more often, but the time that is now isn't good either. at least i have jan. and feb. to look forward to. (dripping sarcasm on that sentence) eh. i'll get over it, but i can just feel the seasons change inside of my body and i don't like the way it makes me feel. or act.

at least there's music. music is good. saw ani in concert again last week and it was wonderful. no words other than that.

i'm going to see my best friend in tx at the end of the week. i'm a little mixed up in the emotion area with that. i love her to death and i can't wait to see her, but i need to talk to her about a couple of things. ok. i need to talk to her about one really big thing. i don't know what i'll end up doing. fuck it. it doesn't matter. (yes, yes it does, but just let me have the delusion for a few minutes)

i have an eye surgeon app. in the morning. yick. i get to see how far the kerataconous has progressed. i don't have a good feeling about this. (do you ever have a good feeling? why yes i do. just not often) i don't want to go.

ok. i think i'm going to go now.

s.

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(no subject)

Sep. 12th, 2004 | 11:45 pm

"we were standing in a garden
and i had a machine that made silence
it just sucked up the whole opinionated din
and there were no people on the payroll
and there were no monkeys on our backs
and i said, show me what you look like
without skin"

-ani difranco
'garden of simple'

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grrrrrrr......

Sep. 6th, 2004 | 11:29 pm
mood: bitchybitchy
music: ink - ember swift

ok.

ahem.

a rant.

'the passion of the christ' (potc) is ONLY a movie. i promise. there is nothing magical about this film. there is no use in getting upset with me because i can't pull one out of my ass. when i say i have no copies left, guess what? I HAVE NO FUCKING COPIES LEFT. does it seem a little hypocritical that you're yelling at me for absolutely no reason and you're wanting a movie based on the life of the 'turn the other cheek' guy? i think so. this movie isn't going to 'change your life' or 'save your soul.' no, i don't think you're 7 year old boy needs to see it, even if he is very mature for his age. yes, i do think it is a bit sad that you tear up just because i hand you a copy. you still didn't say thank you. say thank you damn it, jesus would be proud. no i havne't watched it. i don't want to watch it. i have no interest in watching it. at all. what? don't be shocked. not everyone believes in the same 'god' as you do. no we don't have special pricing for this movie. it is not any more special than 'taking lives' or 'soul plane.' pay for it and leave me alone. get out of my store. and, for fuck's sake, DO NOT bring it back to me and request the 'english version.' there is no english version. no, it doesn't matter that you got the dvd. the dvd isn't hiding the english language track from you. no, i can't tell you how to find it. no you can't have a refund. both the box and the coverbox says 'subtitled.' yes, i'm aware that you have to read the entire thing. i'm sorry if it makes your brain hurt. here, take 'my baby's daddy' and be happy. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

*pant, pant, pant*

believe it or not, i've typed this (or something like it) twice tonight. stupid computer.

ok. going to go lie down now.

good night, good friends.

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'lo

Aug. 13th, 2004 | 01:48 am

well, here i am sitting in front of my computer with nothing of real importance to type. my life moves on at a pace that would be frightening if anything were actually happening to me, but time passes quickly and the stagnation is never ending.

i feel as though something is going to happen soon. i've been taking a few teeny steps to help things, but this feeling is a bit different, like things are out of my control. i sort of feel like something is going to smack me upside the head. i'm not scared. i'm kind of looking forward to it.

good things:

erin mckeown
fried green tomatoes
tracy bonham
fu fu berry soda
thai food (god, i want thai food)
burroughs

bad things:

bush
boredom
scratched cds
working for a penance

ok. i'm going to go listen to music and try to sleep. (haha. try to sleep. that's just funny.)

good night, good friends

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holy hell batman...

Jul. 12th, 2004 | 11:08 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative

i think i'm just going to jump off a bridge. why? well, for some reason i decided it would be a good idea to watch movies tonight. nothing unusual, right? well, no, but i decided it would be a good idea to watch:

1. The Hours
2. Personal Velocity
3. My Life Without Me

jeezum. my mental state is at a odd level.

but the movies were good.

oh. hi there. another update. wow.

i'm downloading music. i haven't done this in while, but since i lost my music when i had to reload my computer, i figured that this is as good a time as any to build up my collection. i was a little tired of most of the songs i lost. i realized this earlier tonight.

wow. this is boring. sorry.

my fingers are paused over the keyboard and i think they have more that they want to communicate, but my brain is censoring them.

good night, good friends.

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hey. someone moved my rock.

Jul. 7th, 2004 | 01:12 pm
mood: indescribableindescribable
music: ani - loom

well hello there. over half the year has passed by. how the hell did that happen?

bonnaroo was outstanding. the music, my god, the music. the black keys, the dead, ani difranco, tokyo ska paradise orchestra, just to name a (very) few. and the people. i've never been around so many people in my life. some how i managed to keep from freaking out the entire time. well, except for when the human tent tried to eat me, but that's a longer story than what i want to go into now. suffice it to say that if i could have stayed in the muddy fields of manchester, i would have. coming back home was such a let down.

i don't really have as much to say now that i actually decided to do a journal entry. funny how that happens, isn't it?

i shall try to make my entries less than two months a part next time.

good day, good friends.

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